Ephemeral

My new blog

2011-12-26T18:58:00.002+08:00

For any of you wondering, my new blog url is
http://www.piquedays.blogspot.com

Decided to make it public from now on so I won't be posting here anymore! See you guys over there.

2011-12-15T23:16:00.001+08:00

“I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying? The girl that hurts herself? The girl that is losing control? The girl that is so sad she can’t get out of bed? The girl that keeps pushing everyone away? Who’s going to love the monster in me, who’s going to love me now?”

Skeletons

2011-12-10T19:30:00.003+08:00

Another deleted post.
Why do I even bother typing everything out when I myself get irritated reading all these posts.

Beauty from pain

2011-12-04T22:48:00.004+08:00

Deleted some stupid posts I posted these past few days.
Why can't anything last forever.
So many thoughts and feelings that want to be expressed so very badly, but I'm very scared to say anything now.
Just don't talk to me anymore guys. I'm tired of having to entertain people for a while and I'm tired of putting all those fake smiley faces in all my smses and I'm tired of being the extra one and I'm tired of people forcing me to tell them who I'm angry or upset with and I'm tired of being accused and I'm tired of being shouted at and I'm tired of myself basically.
I'm not angry at anyone I guess I'm just angry at myself
Every night it's the same anyway, surely these feelings will fade next morning.

2011-12-03T20:51:00.002+08:00

Two things that happened today:
1. Twilight was awesome. (and steamy)
2. There was the cutest guy/sushi-maker/worker at the place me and esther went for dinner and he kept smiling at us and he has a dimple and he is so cute just UGH JFDNEWKFNKWJENFKJEWRNFKJENRFKJENGENGERKNAFDERKJF

2011-12-03T00:18:00.002+08:00

Stop giving me mixed feelings
Everybody
Stop
Giving me
Mixed feelings
I am so confused
When people treat me so nicely one day
But the next they are so cold
Am I very easy to take advantage of?
Because I don't voice out my opinions straight-forwardly to people, is that why people like to treat me like this?

2011-12-03T00:07:00.002+08:00

I think such horrible thoughts
I do such horrible things
I say such horrible words
No one can ever hate me as much as I hate myself
Why do some of you even like me?
I don't understand.

2011-12-02T12:33:00.001+08:00

I spent 30 minutes writing a hate post to someone but I deleted it. I always delete my posts don't I? Because that person may read my blog and that post and then arguments will arise and I just don't want that. I'll just keep it to myself. It's suffocating to death.

On the edge of sanity

2011-12-02T00:09:00.002+08:00

My stamina has dropped significantly. I can't run anymore! Finally got the chance to get out of the house and met Dionnis for a "date" and we wanted to eat chinese food so we went all around Vivo searching, but none looked that nice, so in the end after walking and walking, we ended up at sushi tei. Haha. And then we watched Already Famous and wow there were so many teenagers and stuff. It's a good movie! Better than what I had thought it would be .....
Okay bye.

2011-11-29T13:06:00.002+08:00

If you're so tired of nagging at me for the same thing everyday, then don't do it.
I'm a bitch who doesn't listen to other people's advice and nagging, so don't waste your time on me. I may reflect on myself everytime, but I just end up going back to my pathetic self by the next day.
I feel sorry for you, who has to nag at me every single hour of my life. I don't know why I became like this either.
But maybe it's because of you.
Bet you haven't even thought about that.
I hate studying.
I've never liked it.
I'm trying to like it, but stop forcing me to do everything all at once. I'm trying to do it step by step but you sure like to pile everything up on me right?
I do one subject, and get scolded for not doing other subjects. I do other subjects, but get scolded for not doing another subject.
I'm so fucking pissed off I feel like smashing and breaking everything in sight, but I'm controlling it.
I hate this.

Last Fantasy

2011-11-29T10:02:00.002+08:00

I just woke up and had a sudden urge to blog, but now that I'm here, I don't know what to blog about.
I wanted to post happy stuff but I can't think of anything ._____.
Erm...................................... HAHAHA hm................. I really don't know lol this post is rather pointless but yeah have a nice day.

2011-11-29T00:07:00.002+08:00

Oh my god IU's new album is out.
I love you IU.
I may not fangirl over any other band or artist, but I've always been a fan of IU since her first song and afiewufbkjgbrekjgber HER NEW ALBUM IS SO ~MYSTERIOUS~ like omg.
Okay that's all.

2011-11-28T17:20:00.002+08:00

Okay so I just came home.... from accompanying Dionnis Chua to collect her paycheck haha. And then it started raining and I had no umbrella and then I met Esther on the bus coincidentally and I asked her if she has umbrella and she was like "no, we're so fucked" then we walked home in the rain. And then this bitch purposely stepped on the massive puddles so hard to make my legs get soaked too. And I came home and was forced to shower. -___-
Anyway I want to tell you about this drama I'm watching.
What I want to say is...: I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY because the boy confessed to the girl that he likes her no matter how hard he tries to erase the feelings. Then this girl also likes him but some family issues arose and the girl started to hate the guy, then she got to know this other guy, but the first guy keeps getting jealous. Then in the latest episode he grabbed her arm and told her not to meet that guy, and that he doesn't like it when she meets that guy. Then oh my god I was so freaking happy, because like all the previous episodes right, they ignored each other and stuff, and it was so heart-paining. Have you all experienced like REAL heart pain when you see sad stuff? I get it all the time when I watch these kind of dramas like omg.... T___T But he finally confessed to her so I'm super excited to see the next episode. Which is next week. -____________-
But yeah okay hahaha and guys please don't bring me out to eat lunch/dinner anymore because I AM BANNING MYSELF FROM FOOD. Freaking hell I gained so much weight during the holidays and a month has already gone by.
Okay have a nice afternoon/night :)

2011-11-28T10:03:00.003+08:00

Let me tell you about a short dream I had last night. Me and pingxin went to buy bubble tea (AS ALWAYS) and then we decided to order chocolate milk tea for the first time. Then hers was really nice, then for mine right, this stupid girl who made the thing, she put freaking lemon liquid soap into mine, and mine came out pink colour????? Like.... wtf.... But then for some weird reason I finished mine then PX was like "ew" then I was like "ew, i know right." Then I didn't really finish ALL of it (as always) then for that bubble tea shop, we have to return the cups. But then I was really scared to return mine in case the lady would scold me cause I didn't finish. Then I just threw it away in the dustbin. And I woke up.

I'm walking down every alley

2011-11-27T18:42:00.004+08:00

Being forced and begged to blog by wubin so.... here I am. I kept posting but deleting the posts these days because once I post (mainly rants), I feel bad so I delete them...
Hm................ what should I blog about?
Hm..... Well... had maths tuition.. came home.. studied with esther...
Oh and thank you JINGTING MUMMY for letting me rant. :)
Okay then, bye~
(sorry it's a really short post... any suggestions as to what I can blog about?)

These Days

2011-11-26T22:33:00.002+08:00

Hi haha okay lazy to update on what's been happening but I'll tell you one thing:
Yesterday we went to watch You Are The Apple Of My Eye (那些年，我们一起追的女孩) and it was so good. And if you're wondering how we even managed to enter when it's NC16, well..... shall not say ;) But it's so freaking...... HAS SO MANY SEXUAL STUFF INSIDE, no wonder it's given such a rating. Hahah but it was funny. But sick. But funny. And sad. And the girl is so pretty and the guy is so handsome.
Okay that's all :)

2011-11-26T08:32:00.000+08:00

2011-11-23T15:46:00.002+08:00

Bold what applies to you.

I tan easily.
I have a bad memory.
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have/had braces.
I wear glasses.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
I have more than 2 piercings.
I have piercing in places besides my ears.
I have freckles.
I’ve been kicked out of the house.
I have a sibling less than six year old.
I want to have kids someday.
I’m in school.
I have a job. (part time if it counts)
I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
I almost always do/did my homework.
I drift off a lot.
I have big dreams.
I’ve missed a week or more of school.
I failed more than 1 class last year.
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
I think of stupid things to do.
I was born with a disease/impairment.
I’ve gotten stitches/staples.
I’ve broken a bone
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
I’ve gotten a ride with someone I don’t know.
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve wished on a shooting star.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.

I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve been to a casino.
I’ve been skydiving.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

I’ve gone skinny dipping.
I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
I’ve had dry rum shots.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a play.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I’ve seen the Northern lights.
I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
I’ve played chicken fight.
I’ve played a prank on someone.
I’ve ridden in a taxi.
People have only liked me cause of my looks.
I’ve been used a lot.
I’ve gone on a blind date.
I’ve used someone else.
I’ve broken someone’s heart.
I miss someone right now.
I know someone who has committed suicide.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’ve had a crush on a teacher/coach.
I am a cuddler.
I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve hugged a stranger.
I have kissed a stranger.
I’ve been called a slut.
I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I’ve snuck out of my house.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I’ve cheated on a test.
I’ve been suspended from school.
I’ve witnessed a crime.
I’ve been arrested.
I’ve helped a friend who has passed out from alcohol.
I regularly smoke cigarettes.

I’ve tried smoking cigarettes.
I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.
I’ve eaten shrooms.
I’ve popped E.
I’ve inhaled Nitrous.
I’ve done hard drugs.
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
I have at one stage in my life been diagnosed with depression.
I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
I shut others out when I’m depressed.
I take anti-depressants.
I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
I’ve hurt myself on purpose.

I’ve woken up crying.
I’m afraid of dying.
I hate funerals. (i havent gone to one but i wouldnt like to either)
I miss someone who I know isn’t coming back.
I’ve seen someone dying.
Someone close to me has committed suicide.
I’ve planned my own suicide.
I’ve attempted suicide.
I’ve written a eulogy for myself.
I own an iPod or MP3 player.
I regret a lot of things I’ve done in my lifetime.

2011-11-21T00:42:00.002+08:00

Today, 21st November 2011, I deleted my 2 year old twitter account.
Good memories and bad memories and friends made and friends that irritated me and myself who irritated myself and me wasting my time.....
People can survive fine without twitter! I mean look at jamie and faith and cherie! YEAHHHH so I can survive too! I'll miss the gossips and stalking and stuff... now I've just made myself even more uncontactable right. But facebook and msn and sms me instead okay :)

With the heart to forget you

2011-11-20T20:07:00.003+08:00

Watched puss in boots with esther after tuition. It's quite nice. And had the best japanese food on this planet. Shall bring someone there next time haha.
I feel like everyone is struggling alot. As in, my friends. And I want to help them, but I don't know how to.
I really don't know what advice to give them.
So many people have been telling things about their relationships and their worries, but in the end all I can think about is mine. Yeah.... I'm just selfish.
But people never take the advice I give them... they don't appreciate it. Not even a word of thanks.. or anything. How do I give people advice when I have so much worry inside me too?
Everyone's fighting a battle. But none of us will ever understand what anyone else is going through...
Even today.. someone ranted to me and stuff... and I tried my best to understand. But I found myself listening the whole time, and not even getting the chance to talk about my worries and frustrations...
I don't know lol what the hell does everyone expect me to do... like be some listening shoulder for them but they don't even ask about me. Some people ask, some people don't. I'm not even saying I want everyone to ask me what's wrong, but I mean... if you aren't even going to care about me, and I give you advice and try to cheer you up, can you just like............ Sigh I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm not making any sense.
My mind has been drifting off these days to other things, I can't even hear what other people are saying because I don't know how to fix my problems. What am I supposed to do?
I'm going to write a letter to myself. I'm going to write it and keep it in my cupboard. Because that way I'll feel like at least the paper is listening to my problems.
And yeah.... btw... thanks for not telling me. I didn't know you trusted that person more. But who cares right? Yeah okay whatever sorry for this long boring post tonight.

It's over somehow

2011-11-20T08:21:00.002+08:00

Okay yes sorry for not posting properly about yesterday.
I woke up and got chased downstairs to the clubhouse to study. And it was the most unproductive shit ever, and then this group of guys came down and were so noisy but thank god they left before I left. Then I went somewhere, then I went to meet Wubin. And then.... yep.
Yesterday night I woke up 3 times in the night because I couldn't get to sleep because I was thinking about stuff. And then I dreamt this really "Realistic" dream haha. Basically my mum and I were at her friend's house, then her friend said like "oh my god!!!! my daughter is sick and she is in england now!!!" Then my mum was like "OH MY GOD!! I WILL GO AND TAKE CARE OF HER NOW!!" then I was like what the hell, but I followed my mum. And she was like running to the airport to catch the flight to england. And the airport was in Clementi Mall. Yes I know, so realistic. Then we couldn't find which floor the airport was at, so we went around every floor. And on this one floor, it had FOOD STORES, like extremely extremely extremely nice food and bakeries. Then in this chocolate shop, one small chocolate cost $5. But then my mum dragged me out and we went to search again. Then I woke up.
Need to go for tuition soon...
Oh and I feel kinda bad now because of..... yeah.... but what do you expect me to do..
And the night before yesterday, I was on my bed typing out this very long rant post about my dad, and then my mum came and snatched it away from me because I was supposed to be sleeping. So I couldn't post it. I think it's better if I don't post it.
But whatever I'm disappointed in you. Can't even make that small effort. Fine then bloody FINE. Don't reply my damn emails and don't pick up my calls then.
Don't think I'll be allowed to go on the computer today anymore, so have a nice day in advance haha.

All the overdue photos and recent

2011-11-19T22:07:00.004+08:00

Black and white photos (newest to oldest) from a long time ago sorry it's so late, and the coloured ones are from today with Wubin.
THIS POST IS VERY IMAGE HEAVY OKAY?

Yeah okay done!!!! Lol sorry I took so long. And I only uploaded it tonight because Chen Wubin threatened me to. STUPID PIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lazy to type out what I did today. Just know that I am a pig (as well as wubin), thank you and byebye.

2011-11-19T00:15:00.002+08:00

Excuse me, Chen Wubin, as much as you want my hair to R.I.P, it never liked you anyway.

DUN DUN DUN

2011-11-18T21:34:00.006+08:00

HAHAHA IT'S FREAKING TINY, I KNOW. It's tiny on purpose because I don't want to show my face and I'm using my mum's laptop so there's no photoshop. So it's zoomed out! BUT
Can you see the length now?
Yeah ok bye

I'm listening but there's no sound

2011-11-17T22:30:00.002+08:00

The only thing I can do right now is to draw. I never plan what I draw. I draw whatever my mood feels like and my hands just.... draw whatever it is.
But right now staring at me is a blank piece of paper. And I don't know how to start.
And I am... just sad.
Sad can't even describe it.
I'll go and fill up that blank piece of paper now. Because nobody wants to talk to me when I'm actually on the computer.

I hate you all

2011-11-17T19:46:00.001+08:00

FUQING CRAMPS GET LOST.
(Edit):
Going to cut my hair tomorrow, like finally. Idk what length I should cut it to though. Maybe short.. Maybe medium... WHO KNOWS, only fate can decide. Lol but I'm definitely going to make it thinner.
Finally going to cut off that thick disgusting piece of LUMP hahahaha I think I'll miss it but... Yeah yeah yeah whoo maybe I'll post a picture tomorrow!
I said maybe.

2011-11-16T21:25:00.003+08:00

On top of the list below, here are some more unlucky events that unfolded after I blogged that post:
3. My earphones have spoilt. So I went to tuition with one earphone in my ear and none in the other and it felt horrible because my music wasn't clear.
4. I was late for tuition because I missed my bus because at the bus stop, I realized I had forgotten to bring my tuition homework. So I had to go back and get it.
5. I just found out from overhearing my mother's phone call that my grandfather is in hospital.

Okay.

Breakway

2011-11-16T17:42:00.003+08:00

Two great things happened today (so far):
1. The thing in which I put my camera memory card in to transfer pictures to my computer, broke. Like, it all fell apart and I have no idea how, so now I can't even view photos on my computer, let alone upload them. And I don't know when I'm going to go buy a new one so... Yeah.
2. My mum asked me how I'd feel if my parents got a divorce. I don't know since when my opinion has been relevant in this house, but yeah, I said I don't care. Not like it'll even make a difference either way because I've grown up knowing that my parents hate each other.
But one good thing did happen today:
1. My mum (after a lot of scolding) let me cancel tomorrow's maths tuition because I'm going to school early to do math anyway with Mdm Yap and J and PX. So life's good! Chinese tuition soon. And so far my self-discipline is going QUITE well. Haha.

2011-11-15T23:27:00.001+08:00

“I am nothing. I’m like someone who’s been thrown into the ocean at night, floating all alone. I reach out, but no one is there. I call out, but no one answers. I have no connection to anything.”
— Haruki Murakami

2011-11-15T22:16:00.003+08:00

Abstaining from twitter for a while, hopefully :) Goodbye for now, but not forever! Actually it's kind of my promise with jamie (and ping xin i guess)...... because.. yeah... twitter just doesn't make me feel happy and welcome like it used to, I guess. And just like jamie said... why would I want to know what every single person is doing every minute? But as I said, it's hopefully. So... if my self-discipline doesn't work (like always), then you'll see me tweeting in no time haha. But if anyone does see me on twitter... please scold me. I don't really want to go near the computer anymore.I just want to study until I rot and die.
Today's emaths lesson was rather fun; met early in school with pingxin and jamie and cherie and did some maths before that... hope I can finish amaths homework by the end of this week. And on the way home we were discussing about some people... and about competitiveness within the class, and within everybody.. makes me hate myself for being so competitive sometimes.. but at least it's better than some people lol.. I'm still uploading those overdue photos- there are at least more than 40, and it takes an hour to upload 4 pictures... so I'm not quite done uploading yet.
Yep that's it I guess! Shall be back tomorrow or some other day to upload those damn photos -__- bye, have a good night.

2011-11-15T00:10:00.002+08:00

I always write a big paragraph or two about my frustrations and worries and thoughts every night. But I always end up deleting them immediately after because it feels so private and people I don't even know read this blog. How much more trapped can I feel?

Colours and Promises

2011-11-14T17:48:00.002+08:00

Went for emath lesson today and then after that went to vivo to meet Dionnis at work :) And she made me a waffle :) But it wasn't free. Ah well hahaha. And then watched In Time with Jamie and Pingxin; it's a really good movie. After we came out I kept thinking that I actually had the watch "built in" my wrists haha. If we really did live in such a society where time is the new currency, I don't think I'd like it. I wouldn't want to pay like, a month just for water or coffee. But I guess the rich can, because they can live forever. They're loaded. And Amanda Seyfried was so damn gorgeous oh god I LOVE HER and I've loved her ever since her debut in Mean Girls... But she keeps getting skinnier and skinnier with each movie she comes out in... I don't like it.. ;___;
Going to school early again tomorrow to do some more math homework, hope it's productive.

Temporary Bliss

2011-11-13T22:17:00.002+08:00

First of all, hi Alicia! Are you feeling honored to be mentioned here? It feels like I haven't mentioned you on my blog for such a long time. I love you Alicia! -sends a million trillion billion gazillion kisses-
Tonight I feel like a relationship guru. But I shan't say why because.... yeah. And I know I tweeted that I'll upload my camera pictures real soon (there are alot of them), and I've gotten around to editing them, but I can't find the time to actually upload them because it will take far too long. So be patient and I'll try to find a night when I'm free to upload all those overdue stuff.
Has anyone been to hong kong? My mum is considering bringing me there but I really don't know if I want to go or not. Not like my brother will be there anyway... But I'm still considering it I guess.
Yet again my night has been terrible. But what's the use of saying what happened anyway right lol. Looking forward to going to school tomorrow, at least I can escape from here temporarily.
It seems like I can give so much advice to other people to deal with their relationships, but I can't even give myself my own advice.
If everyone keeps bottling up their feelings, don't you think that one day, they'll just really explode? I'm always scared of that.

Ancient Eye

2011-11-12T23:36:00.005+08:00

It has been another boring and unproductive day. My headache came again in the afternoon and I'm getting quite worried because it is so frequent, or rather consecutive. I really need to own those books, like "People I met and how I fell in love with them" or "People I have met and how I hate them" or "People I have met and how they make me happy" or "People I have met and how they make me sad". And so many more.
But sometimes it all seems too much for me to handle. How can anybody understand? None of us can perfectly understand anyone else's situation. So what is the point in telling people mine? What can they do? Apart from the same words that have now lost their meaning, it won't make anything better. I'm not even saying it in a pessimistic way, I'm just stating the facts.
I need to stop revolving my world around the internet, around twitter, facebook, friends, family. Because none of them will always be there for you 24/7. When I was younger I always thought that even if my friends weren't there, I'd still have my family. But now I've kind of lost connection from both. I feel quite restricted even posting in this blog because so many people read it and the things I say sometimes are way too personal. So I end up deleting the posts lol.
It's times like these I wish my mum would have just sent me off to a boarding school. Why do I always end up regretting every single thing that has and hasn't happened? I have no idea.
I should get to bed soon, goodnight! I really hope tomorrow can be a bit more productive than today. A lot more, actually. xx

Cry cry

2011-11-11T23:18:00.005+08:00

hi guys haha posting for the second time today. well it's already past 11:11 of 11/11/11, but did you guys catch it and make a wish? i don't believe in these things and as expected my entire twitter and facebook was flooded with wishes but....... i wished for the best in my studies. maybe it won't come true but a girl can dream right?
hahah if it were me making this wish a year ago, i would have wished for something stupid like more money, or more things, more this, more that. but right now i just really want good grades. and a functional family. not to say that my family's like, completely dysfunctional or anything but. you know what i mean? ok maybe not hahaha.
it's kind of a boring and forlorn night, tonight. i wish somebody in my house would at least talk to me.
or i wish people weren't so busy everyday.
why does it seem like i am always so stuck in the past?
but anyway for those who wished tonight, i hope your wishes do come true~ :)
and sorry Gene i couldn't send you off tonight, but i hope you understand and have a good flight and rest back in england and see you soon okay :)
goodnight.

Before I fall

2011-11-11T19:20:00.004+08:00

Oh my who's that person there? ^^^^^^^^^
LOL I bet everyone just rolled their eyes. Especially wubin and loosin and kellie and ping xin. (if the last two even read this blog). YEAH I AM SUCH A CAMWHORE WHAT TO DO HUH??????????? I DON'T KNOW SIGH SIGH SIGH CAN'T HELP IT. -___- But at least you all can see my four faces and instantly cheer up because I'm smiling to you all! (in the picture). I think everyone should save this picture and set it as their wallpaper, so that everytime they open their phone, THEY CAN SEE ME. :)
AND YEAH I AM SO EGO AND EVERYTHING ELSE, WHAT TO DO HUH???????
I'M SORRY BUT I AM SO PMSING RIGHT NOW WS DFJREBNFIERNJFDSMJEKDSNFJKDS
*ROLLS EYES AT EVERYONE*
*ROLLS EYES AT MYSELF*
Okay. Back to non-caps.

My head has been hurting every day this past week and it keeps going on and off. I really don't know what it is but whatever it is, it is annoying and I can't study properly. I think I'm pms-ing too. Oh no wait, I pms every day. LOL.
Not even funny, I wonder why I even put that "LOL" there.
Tomorrow is another sian day and it's going to be spent studying and lazing around like every other saturday. Hope I don't get screamed at in the morning again like last saturday.
I think I should finish emaths homework now. And start on geog or something. Or do SOMETHING productive. Even though today was already quite productive with 4 hours emaths lesson and then chem tuitionT_T
Okay anyway bye.

2011-11-11T00:16:00.001+08:00

Yeah just continue having fun with your other friends, not like I matter right. Everybody is so busy enjoying life to even care anyway, even my mum is ignoring me now because she's got her own troubles to deal with and yeah thanks alot to my other parent for caring about me so much huh???? Thanks to my brother for not even calling me once in the two years he's been away and basically thanks to every damn person in my life I hate you all I really do. LIARS. And what was the best thing that happened to me today? I bought another yellow marker. Yeah end of story ugh go and suck a bag of bananas and I hope you choke and die

There is silence all around

2011-11-09T23:16:00.002+08:00

winnie the pooh quotes are always so sweet haha. today i was far too slacky. hope tomorrow's tuition will be super productive. and i hope it won't be too cold there like always :( i should bring a jacket.
good luck to everyone taking HMTL O's tomorrow :) :)
:(

2011-11-09T13:58:00.001+08:00

I'm so angry right now I can't find my yellow pen/marker and it's nowhere in my room/pencil case/everywhere oh my god so annoying and without that pen I can't do any bio and I've no time to go out to get a new one URGH I just want my yellow pen I'm so sick of math I want to so bio and now I can't even do it RAWR I AM SO PISSED OFF. And if anyone took my pen without my permission and I find that person I swear I will CUT her okay.

Hopeless place

2011-11-08T22:44:00.002+08:00

I'm really running out of things to blog about nowadays haha hm what should I blog about today.......
Oh yeah haha I really dont know how to do the amath homework at all. like out of 13 questions, I know how to do four questions lol. Why is there so much homework...
Hm........ okay then I really don't know what to say now haha I just came back from running/jogging/whatever you call it. And I shall continue maths after this... or bio..... idk.
Can you see how boring life is :(

2011-11-08T00:05:00.001+08:00

Meh I guess losing friends are like a part of my everyday life lol oh well. Hehe wubin, I promised you that I'm going to lose all my fats during the holidays right? Well I am trying hard now! So that my arm will no longer be fluffy and squishy for you to bite. But Wubin ah don't be too affected by your ___ okay! If you wanna talk I'm here right ^^ and since I know how you feel too..... Muax love ya wubin

2011-11-07T12:01:00.001+08:00

Stop nagging every single minute of every single day okay?!?!?!??!?!? Like I don't know already?!? How many times do you have to repeat yourself?!? I said I KNOW. And I'm doing it right, still nag for what?!?!?! You think I can do so many things at once?!?!?! Doing my Chinese then you nag at me to do my math. Doing my math then nag at me for solving that assessment book but not that one, doing my biology then nag at me for not doing my chemistry, doing my chemistry and nag at me for not doing my English, doing my English then nag at me for not using the big fat dictionary instead of the electronic dictionary. I AM SO SICK OF HEARING THE SAME THINGS every single hour of every single day this past week of the holidays. My god I am so sick of everything okay?!!!

Crazy me

2011-11-07T00:28:00.001+08:00

I think I am crazy already okay O levels is next year which is exactly less than 12 months and here I am, stressed that I'm not stressed enough. And I'm supposed to be stressed over my weak maths and sciences but here I am worrying over what? Social studies and geog and lit. Wtf am I crazy right now? Those subjects are the strongest so far but I'm so scared for them like wth??????? In the middle of studying bio I suddenly thought about how I still haven't studied SS properly. Yet it turned out to be my strongest. The ways of the world are insane okay? Okay. Goodnight I need to wake up early tomorrow to study some more oh yeah I went running today for the first time in so long and I felt like puking okay

high speed collision

2011-11-06T14:32:00.003+08:00

ah i love drew really hope she wins the xfactor. or astro is pretty cool too. but i will always be rooting for drew. i think all of simon's girls this season are really talented. and all the groups suck HAHA sorry to say.
tuition was so boring....... and i realized every Amath tuition, we always end up talking about junior college and subject combinations etc etc LOL. really hope i can get into the jc i want to :(
then something happened (like always) which pissed me off so badly. i guess it's good to be straightforward and stuff but seriously bitch, there's a difference between being straightforward and saying it nicely, and being straightforward and saying it in an annoying ass and rude tone. and i can't stand that you always choose to say everything the latter way. really hope karma punches you in the face because i've been tolerating you for so many.............. FORGET IT.
okay time to study again sigh have a feeling that i'm going to be pms-ing the whole day k ANDJWHNEFIEWFJNWJENFERIUFNERJNDSFJKWENFWJFNKEWJFN I DONT EVEN WANT TO STUDY JSKDNEKJFDSNJKDNFSJKNS UGH SORRY
#EXTREMELYannoyed

These dreams

2011-11-05T20:05:00.005+08:00

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs! haha.
hm this morning started off terrible. really terrible. because some little accident happened and i got chased out off the house so i went downstairs to study. but it was okay.
and then i came back up and i slept like a pig because i had nothing better to do. and now i am quickly posting this so i can do some maths later. or now. hehe.
sorry wubin i'll go out with you next time okay :)
AND MARCIA I DONT LIKE YOU
stupid mars
i hate mars
anyway
lazy to go to math tuition tomorrow ;____;
/cries

2011-11-04T21:28:00.001+08:00

:'( rotting with my textbooks now and I will be rotting with them tomorrow and Sunday too. :'( I'd prefer to do anything but rot with my books at home. God save me :'(

Neverland

2011-11-04T20:44:00.002+08:00

^^^^^^^^it's true :) ^^^^^^^^

so i watched 23:59 with dionnis today morning. haha this dionnis chua kept screaming hahahaha and the stupid noisy boys behind us kept saying things like fuck this fuck that and "damn scary sia" -___- if i could i would make them watch a more scarier one and see how they react LOL.
and then met ping xin and went to tuition. tuition is fun haha.
and as soon as i got home i got screamed at because of some LITTLE thing. okay then. that's all :)
bye.

in the blackest of rooms

2011-11-03T22:58:00.002+08:00

hi. i met jamie at school at 8am then did emaths... yeah right haha got distracted halfway then walked around entire alexandra canal two times for an hour talking about... horror movies. but i think mostly it was me talking and jamie listening HAHA. hm then.. had emaths lesson. and mdm yap said i am distracting so i should sit at the back of the classroom. -__- whatever :(
then.... went to scape (AGAIN) with wubin and jamie. and this chen wubin.
we went to gong cha mainly because i was supposed to treat her. but then in the end this ANNOYING PERSON told me not to buy for wubin because she has a cough so wubin didn't drink in the end. AND I TOTALLY regret buying what i bought. it's disgusting okay it feels like i'm drinking honey but in liquidated form. like maple syrup. i should have bought my earl grey milk tea instead :'( :'(
okay then we went to crystal jade (AGAIN) lol third time with wubin at crystal jade. and then i think we spent like an hour inside a candy store and then i really wanted to take a lot of photos but the store doesn't allow photography. stupid. then we went to... oh this really cool store but it's really expensive but it's really cool haha i will go next time again.
yeah... and the night has gone like that. because i spent the night studying _____.
but i got distracted halfway by something..ahem...................
i hope tomorrow will be nice. meeting dionnis to watch the new singaporean horror movie HAHA and then meeting ping xin to go to tuition after that.
i don't even know why i'm writing down every single detail of my day haha. hm.... sorry if it's boring. :(
oh my dad just called me. i feel really bad for like.... not talking nicely on the phone. as in, not enthusiastically. i think i sound super "sian" on the phone like what wubin told me just now :( then i feel really bad for sounding very boring and stuff...
but i cannot help it... i really do feel sian every night. i wouldn't feel so sian if i was allowed to use my computer. oh well!! what to do anyway~ i have some free time now before i sleep so i'm going to do some online shopping to cheer myself up. bye guysssss i hope you all have a nice time talking to your friends and i hope you have nice and peaceful dreams too :)

2011-11-02T21:41:00.001+08:00

If you think it's so easy, then you try. And if you want it so badly, just do it. Okay? Because I don't mind if you snatch it away from me. Anyway I'm sure everyone else entrusts you since you're so wonderfully intelligent and bright and responsible right? And I shouldn't be anything because I'm so stupid and irresponsible. It's okay lol no one is stopping you. I'm fine with everything! ^^ whatever okay. Don't even intend to waste my thoughts on you (and anybody else for that matter). Sigh why are we all so afraid to tell our true feelings? What is it we are actually scared of? Rejection or humiliation or embarrassment, or all of those things? I can't understand it either. :(

2011-11-02T16:55:00.001+08:00

Head hurts so much these days :( heading out for tuition soon and I'm looking forward to school tomorrow and then gong cha afterwards with wubin :)

2011-11-01T22:20:00.002+08:00

where is wubin :'(
nobody can relate better to what i am feeling right now than wubin :'(
everything is very bottled up right now :'(
but i shouldn't resort to doing that thing right. yeah i shouldn't.
:(
time to blog in my private blog :'(

2011-11-01T21:06:00.001+08:00

UGH I spent 10 mins looking all over for my stupid penknife and when I found it I saw that it's blunt. RAWRRRRzzzeEEEEeE

Wallflower

2011-11-01T16:34:00.001+08:00

'I'm not here, no one sees me, I'm by myself, please excuse me." hehe the song is nice. Rotting at home right now with my books, woo :) but happy birthday to wanping!!!!! :)

2011-11-01T00:03:00.002+08:00

sometimes when people make an effort to make you happy, you should at least show that you appreciate it. or you could at the very least just smile. because the people who are trying so hard can feel terrible when they see that their efforts have gone to waste and people like you can't be grateful.
you're my friend and as much as i love you, i'm getting tired of trying to make this all seem like it's perfect and happy, because it's not. can't you even see that i'm trying. the worst thing? how we're all so afraid to tell our feelings to one another.
what am i even doing, writing all this down on a stupid blog? a blog can't comfort you, it just helps you quell some of those immense feelings temporarily. those feelings never go away.
i really don't know
:'(
you guys understand too right?
you look left and right for someone but you realize that you only have yourself in the end. you contain your happiness within yourself and you learn to heal yourself from the bad stuff.
can my brain just process that fact already ahhaha. but!!!! still, just like cherie said, there's always a rainbow after the rain! :)
so once again maybe these feelings that haunt me every night will go away for now~ so that i can have a nice sleep!
i am a happy banana okay? happy banana amy forever HEHEHEH
^^

when our soul embarks

2011-10-31T23:42:00.004+08:00

what to blog about??????? hm......... i dont really know
my life is pretty boring
studying is fun
reading is nice
organizing my desk is a hobby
one day, you're really going to wake up and realize that i'll no longer be there
and then it'll be too late for regrets and hopes
because i'd have changed by then
just saying haha
oh just realized today is halloween, so happy halloween :) first time in my life i didn't spend halloween on the computer lol ^^

2011-10-31T18:32:00.001+08:00

Today was a nice day! Went to hospital in the morning which kinda ruined things but!!!! After that I went to my mum's friend's house to see her 2 month old baby and he is so cute >w< and I kissed him on the cheek then he smiled at me >w< and his cheeks.... Omg. Words cannot describe. INDESCRIBABLE. Haha. And I slept all the way until now because 1) the rain was nice and 2) had another stupid headache. I'm blogging from my itouch so it seems quite rushed and everything haha okay bye

2011-10-31T01:01:00.001+08:00

Okay it's 1 am and I just finished reading the perks of being a wallflower and it is such an amazing book :( although at the end I couldn't stop crying cause it's THAT good and relatable :( it's definitely going on my list of favourite books. Sigh but now that I've finished that one, im starting on a new book and hopefully it will be really nice too :) I can't stop sneezing. Goodnight guys :)

2011-10-30T22:06:00.001+08:00

My head hurts so much and I feel so dizzy :( can she shut up..?

into the dark

2011-10-30T20:46:00.002+08:00

today has been a relaxing day hehe. although my mum called my tutor to tell him my maths results and when i reached tuition i got a bit of a scolding, i finished a new chapter! haha. going to math tuition again this week on one day for 4 hours and 30 minutes T_____T
ah well at least it's for the better.
then in the train i was reading my book and i cried. so embarrassing HAHAH but it was really sad :(
everyone should go and read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower :) it's a really beautiful book.
anyway... then i came home and slept all the way because i was so drained out.
everytime i come online.......... nobody is there to talk to.
when i'm gone, it seems like everyone is free and online. haha oh well.

we found love

2011-10-29T21:08:00.002+08:00

i tried hard, okay? and this is referring to every single damn thing and person in my life. i tried so hard. for everything. i'm not even talking about just my studies, i'm talking about relationships with people. oh well hahaha okay nevermind i just need to get used to it.
now that i am so detached from twitter and facebook and msn, i feel detached from everyone. HAHAHA no social life. i think my new best friend can be books???? hahahaha ^^
one of my friends smsed me just now to tell me he's sorry for like... the things he did to me last year. HAHA stupid asshole. i mean, it took you a whole year to say sorry? i'm not even going to care about you anymore okay? having my feelings trampled on all the time is a part of my day, everyday.
i want somebody to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay. okay bye guys i should go and continue doing... my things now. (:

2011-10-28T20:07:00.001+08:00

i miss everything
and i miss the old you

Neutron star collision

2011-10-28T19:37:00.002+08:00

hi guys! i'm sneaking on to the computer just for a short while to update you all on .... my life recently. hahahaaHAHAHA. er. well. let's not get into what my mum said/did when i told her my results. just know that i'm banned from the computer (when she's around lol) so i might be posting a BIT less frequently!!! but i will always blog when i get the chance to. which means when she's out of the house :)
oh and my mum met ms azlin today and she said ms azlin is super duper nice and cute. WHAT. THE. HELL.
tomorrow is p6 open house, hope it goes well.
holidays starting!!! :)
okay bye love love love :)

Who You Are

2011-10-25T14:32:00.003+08:00

today was.... horrible. idk. felt my heart sinking when i got that letter from mr M. mostly because i hadn't told my mum my results yet. so i called her and told her honestly, and i got shouted at and she hung up on me.
i went to see mr quek. he told me he hadn't expected me to get such bad results.
my form teacher refuses to give me my report slip.
ecourier is still not done. i've been given another fucking article to do last minute.
so many times i have tried so hard not to cry today. what do i do when i need a shoulder to cry on but nobody is there? i went to go and find some people today but nobody was there. now i can't even go home happily because i know once i reach home my mum will.......... haha idk what she'll do.
lol all i'm good at is crying and sleeping and eating. and fucking up my life.
i think i deserve two thumbs up guys, i've succeeded in life haha

2011-10-24T20:32:00.002+08:00

why is it that i will never get through a day in which i am happy? why can't i ever go to bed happy and without anything to worry about? i drive myself insane and i am the reason behind my stress. what is this?
i hate cca. i loved it last year. and now it's torturous. haha funny right? bet you all are thinking what on earth we do that is so stressful. no point in even saying because you won't ever really know, so forget it.
and mr ho, who do you think you are. unless you are my mum, you don't go around ripping other people's work. and don't try and threaten us either. if you even try and scold my cca on that day i might as well just explode and tell him to do everything himself then. see how it feels like to make a perfect stupid banner and organize the p6 thing and finish two issues of e-courier by this week. I AM SO ANGRY.
omg i need to. i need to. like. throw something. it's getting so hard to tolerate

2011-10-23T23:46:00.002+08:00

what happened between us?
hahahaha i wish i could know too. just for once i wish someone could be by my side.
waking up every morning and putting on a mask is getting quite tiring

2011-10-23T22:46:00.003+08:00

hello karma, when are you going to show up?
why are you driving me insane? i thought what comes around, goes around?
it's unfair. i've been tolerating this shit for more than a year, but it's always me getting the blame. when is it that person's turn to get the punishment she deserves?

2011-10-23T21:51:00.001+08:00

note to self: remember to buy lollipops for my junior

i have died waiting for you

2011-10-23T21:09:00.003+08:00

mmm yep it's true! ^^
haha my brother left this morning. i don't think i'll be going to korea anymore during the holidays, because apparently my mum doesn't want to waste money on another air ticket for herself and my dad doesn't want me to live with him in his house. i can hear my mum bitching on the phone right now hahaha it's a good feeling, to know how distanced your entire family has become. if i don't go to korea this holiday, then i don't know when i can next see my brother. i really envy people living with their whole family. those people might not ever know how it feels like.................
oh well hahah, next week is the last week of school. i think there's cca almost every day so i'll be coming home at 6+ this whole week. hopefully wednesday will be nice ^^
shall go back to amaths homework now. though i really don't know how to do anything. and then maybe i'll start on ecourier. byeeee ^^

2011-10-22T23:52:00.004+08:00

just keep ignoring me okay? i'm fine with it, can't you see? feels like i'm forever being ignored every single day. just today alone i've been ignored by three people.
no. i'm not upset because people are ignoring me. i'm really not. i think i'm just upset because everything that has been piling up these few days is finally like, coming out. ignore me for as long as you want okay? i don't mind anymore, really. this past year has made me become a horrible person and i'm learning to grow a heart of steel now. i will never tell anyone what is REALLY going through my mind. i never even have. it's much better to keep it to yourself and suffer by yourself, than tell people and have rumours being spread around and you being constantly talked about all the time.
i'm so insecure what is wrong with me hahahahaahah guys, i really don't know what i'm talking about now. someone please talk sense into me HAHAHA. going insane 8)
when you know one tiny thing about a person, your impression of them can change forever. i guess as people read this blog and i type some stuff, people's impressions of me will change. but you know what.... i don't really care. you realize who your true friends are because they will never judge you by anything. so... maybe.. if you're reading this now and you think your impression of me may change, you should exit this blog and never come back.
i miss my lifeeeeeeeee. like, the life i used to have.
i can't express myself freely anymore, anywhere, with anyone. because people judge.
next time i'm going to tell my daughter never to open up to anybody she meets, because she will get judged, and i don't want her to live such a miserable and insecure life like mine.
INSECUREEEEEEEEEE.
INSECURE.
............ who do i really have? how many times have i been dumped for other people? let's not even go into that.
i need to learn to STOP expecting anything out of people. everytime i hope for something, i get let down. every. single. time.
maybe that's why i'm such a pessimist.
so many things i regret not doing. so many things i regret i did.
some days i really hate myself. i shouldn't have come to crescent. i shouldn't have gotten to know that person. i SHOULD have made friends with that person. i shouldn't have come to singapore. i shouldn't have gone outside cycling and get so bloody tanned. i should have stayed in korea and become whiter. lol. i should have stayed in england and go out clubbing and partying with my friends. i shouldn't even have been born?????????? hello mother why was i born????? is it fun to know that your daughter hates living? do you know how much your daughter hates every single thing in her life? nah. you don't. i'm guessing you never even will. but it's okay, right? it always is okay right? yes it is :)
why do people always ask this question: are you okay?
does it look like i am? does it sound like i am? are you really, honestly, sincerely that concerned about me, or are you just stupid because you WANT to comfort me but don't know how to?
so the best you can say is "cheer up"??
what effect will those words have on me? nothing. people always go around telling each other to cheer up, or to be happy. well let me tell you something: it's not easy. maybe if you were in that person's shoes, you'd know that it isn't so easy to be happy and forget everything.
if you want to make someone feel better, tell them you honestly care and love for them. because if you don't and instead you go around saying these vague encouragements, that person will never get to know if you're being sincere or not.
it's best to tell someone you love them or care for them while you still have the chance to.
isn't this a long post? hahahaha. omg if anybody actually read that entire thing, here's a (virtual) hug from me to you. but it's okay!!!!! as long as people are contented with the fact that i'm "happy", i will always be the happy and bubbly amy that most people think of me as! but i just want you to realize my sincere feelings :)
okay, bye for now~

active child

2011-10-22T23:23:00.003+08:00

hello loyal readers~ haha come to me and i will buy you all a lollipop for being so faithful to my blog :) even though it's boring and........... yep.
my brother's leaving tomorrow. already. which is weird because it seems like he just got here yesterday....
hm.... what has been happening recently...
oh... lifescience is extremely boring.... for me that is. i think i would have preferred going for the IT course, at least they all get to go outside and stuff... but we are stuck in the hot physics lab for 8 hours.... lol oh well it's going to be over anyway after monday. which reminds me i still have my DNA inside my pencil case. ew hahahaha i hope it hasn't spilled out or anything... i was talking with ping xin when we got our DNA and we were saying how it looks like a sperm HAHAHA.
i'm so scared to get back our report books. then i'd have to show my mum. and she'd find out how i did. and she'd ask me why i didn't tell her my results last week. then i'd get a nice, long and enjoyable and sweet scolding :)
always the same anyway haha why should i even be bothered by it anymore anyway.

2011-10-21T21:15:00.001+08:00

Fix a heart

2011-10-20T23:04:00.002+08:00

why can i never be good enough. ever. all the time.
i'm supposed to be comparing myself with the higher students, but all i see is this long, unclear road that stretches ahead of me. i'm working towards... nothing.
i would very much like a hug right now :'(

2011-10-20T14:46:00.002+08:00

got back results today. i honestly don't care if half the cohort fails, my mum won't ever believe that kind of story. as long as the highest in the level got an A, then i have to be like that person. mid years i only failed two subjects. this time, i failed four. my strongest subject became my weakest and i failed the most important subjects. i'm not sad. i'm just shocked. like, i really, really, did not even expect to fail some of those subjects. i really only wanted a pass, and i guess it was just too much to ask for. maybe later i'll feel sad. but rightnow i don't feel sad enough to cry like last time, i just feel like a dumbshit and i'm honestly terrified to tell my teachers/parents. i don't feel sad for myself at all, i feel sad for the people around me who were expecting better of me.
who cares if i improved in SS and geog and lit? nobody even considers humanities and to all those adults, science and maths are the most important.
i'm going to study from tonight onwards so i don't ever. ever. ever. have to feel like this again next year.
i'm not even going to tell my parents and tutors my results, i'll just let them see my report book for themselves. otherwise they may end up in hospital from shock.
sigh amy what happened to you.
from getting As to fails. good job huh keep it up.
dying would be much easier than facing the people around me hahahaah

people help the people

2011-10-18T00:01:00.000+08:00

Treading water

2011-10-17T01:24:00.002+08:00

being forced to study from tomorrow onwards.
i know i need to start studying again but...
why now? can't i just wait until the holidays are over?
but i guess it's a good thing.
it can distract me from everything.
i don't even want to talk to anybody. not even my brother or my mum. lol i feel so... angry at myself for being so dumb all the time.
dumb
dumb
dumb
dumb
stupid
stupid
stupid
hey amy why don't you just go and die because nobody wants you
hm

Never had a love

2011-10-16T23:24:00.002+08:00

waiting for my brother to come. today was.... boring? haha. went to tuition early in the morning and quite thankful we did something productive. i came home and slept until dinner time. and from like, 8 to now i've been laughing at videos on youtube. life is extremely interesting :)
i think a lot of people went shopping today. i wish i could go shopping too. but everyone's schedule crashes with one another so... forget it haha. wubin wubin, don't think about it too much okay! i'll buy you your purple plum tea next week so stop crying. or i'll lick you on wednesday.
well..................... there's really nothing to update much on; i guess i'm just updating to feel less lonely right now. if i could pour all my sadness out...... it would be great.

2011-10-16T01:17:00.002+08:00

i am going to breakdown sooner or later. maybe now, maybe tomorrow.
i wish i had a religion or something. then at least i could pray or be contented to know that someone will always be there for me 24/7.

Listen close

2011-10-16T00:05:00.004+08:00

it would be nice if people could stop commenting on my suntan. or sunburn. yes i freaking know i have a mirror okay? my mirror stays on my table 24/7 AND I KNOW I LOOK LIKE SHIT.
so unhappy with everything these days fml idk whats wrong seriously. like. i don't KNOW what's getting me down. so please don't ask. i really don't know.
talked to genevieve today on the phone for quite a long time but found that i had nothing to talk about......... HAHA life seems... ~interesting~ for her over there ;)
my brother's coming to singapore like... tomorrow. but i wish he wouldn't come. i mean, i want him to come because i miss him, but i don't want him to come and use my room and my toilet and use my table. it's always the same. always me sacrificing my things for him when he doesn't even treat me nicely. ok but it's okay hahaha no big deal :))
wonder what i'm going to do for a math tuition tomorrow.... well technically it's today because it's already past midnight but..... meh. hahahaha. everyone is ignoring me today.
hey heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy~~~~~~
doesn't it suck when you get ignored???????????? :)
no it doesn't!!! of course it doesn't! it's a really good feeling, makes you feel on top of the world ^_^ maybe i should do it to you from now on too,wouldn't you like to feel on top of the world like how i constantly feel? :)
lol okay whatever end of sarcasm. i'm going to go and poke myself with my pushpin now (it's really quite amusing) so have a good night.

Faster than my bullet

2011-10-14T21:14:00.002+08:00

i think so much i think it's unhealthy and it will soon fester into some sort of mental disorder because i think so much i think so much i think too much. maybe i'll blog about today, some other day. like tomorrow...?
tonight is a miserable and lonely night. maybe i should go to sleep soon. it feels weird not studying. i'm tanned from today and it's so obvious hahhahahahaaha. until next time :)

Wide eyes

2011-10-13T22:12:00.001+08:00

i feel super mean today. idk why. but i want to be mean to people. after being treated like shit from some people, i feel like i need revenge. ok but i'm not THAT mean. haha. :(
:(
:(
:(

Shape Shifter

2011-10-13T19:55:00.003+08:00

spent the entire day today clearing up my itunes and i had no idea it would take THAT long. eyes are burning. so i'm going to shower soon. and i'm going to watch movies after that like a boss because i can. but i don't think i can sleep too late tonight like yesterday because i need to wake up at like 6:30 tomorrow and go out and meet people! quite excited for tomorrow :) shall take lots of pictures. i feel guilty for slacking the whole day today. i woke up at 1pm and immediately i was like OMG THE HISTORY AND PURE LIT STUDENTS FINISHED ALREADY HAHAHA. headache now :(
okay then byeeeee enjoy your night ;)

angry

2011-10-12T14:23:00.002+08:00

i wrote a whole paragraph about why i'm upset but i deleted it because it's obvious who i'm talking about. i just want to cry. i hate school. i hate everyone. what is the meaning of friend. i feel very suffocated.

Just a grain of sand

2011-10-12T12:43:00.004+08:00

emaths was........ i guess it was better than amaths, but i already lost 30 marks (i counted) and i left a lot of blanks for paper two.. well done amy :)
but exams are like. finished. it doesn't feel like it though. need to do tuition homework soon T____T
but keep going strong, for those who still have more papers!!! it will all end this week okay :)
sigh i owe wubin two purple plum tea. whatever ^^
only two things that screwed up my day today. but i can't say here HAHA in case the person/people i want to talk about is/are reading this. LOL. i can never know. got the most boring post exam enrichment course. i wonder why huh. whatever i need to stop thinking about it. really want to like......... say everything here but cannot and it SUCKS. maybe i should private this blog. RAWR I AM SO ANGRY BECAUSE OF......................
and wubin, you and i need to stop thinking about ahem and ahem so much. we are very pathetic okay? we need to STOP.THINKING.AND.TALKING.ABOUT.THOSE.PEOPLE. who don't even care about us. okay? okay. and i know you're reading this :)
maybe i should do tuition homework now before i go off for tuition...

Muted angels

2011-10-12T00:21:00.003+08:00

only just read through textbook for tomorrow's emaths exam. i'm really sorry to my maths tutor and mum and all those people who're holding high expectations for my maths, but. not right now. i need to sleep. after tomorrow, i will be (partially) free. after i come back home and do tuition homework then go for tuition and come back at 9:30, only then will i be free :) going to spend my tomorrow night maybe working on a new blogskin and tidying my extremely messy room and table, and then making a list of what i want to do :)
i know that my top to-do-thing on that list is going to be to draw and online shop and watch my dramas. HAHAHA. very excited :)
october 20th is when my freedom will stop though. sigh :( why must we get back everything in one day..... only make me more demoralized. honestly there has been no single paper this eoy which i did not screw up. at least for mid years i depended on my maths but.......... T_T
what post exam activities are you all signing up for? :) i don't find any of them interesting though HAHAH. :p
can't wait for friday!!! :)
hopefully tomorrow's emaths will not be such a killer like today's amaths. please. T______T my last fragment of hope... hahaha so dramatic. but seriously. it literally IS my last fragment of hope because it's my last paper.
HEHEHE HI MARCIA you still have art exam on friday ^______^okay if you're reading this then GOOD LUCK!!! :)
and good luck to all the history/pure lit students!!! haha don't be too jealous of the people sleeping in at home......... :)
goodnight ♡♡♡

Who you are

2011-10-11T15:02:00.001+08:00

sigh a maths was horrible. it was disgusting and terrible and i never even want to get it back for exam checking. you know at the end of every paper for any subject, i always add up the total number of marks i think i would get. after counting, it's almost a fail mark. i didn't do the last question at ALL and it's worth 11 marks. i don't know how to do. idk how to prove and solve so many trigo questions and i am really very dumb. what made me feel even more dumb was when some people said it was quite easy. sigh :(

Can anybody see me?

2011-10-10T21:51:00.002+08:00

it's 10pm and i haven't even started A maths yet. people all around me are mugging and worrying for it but here i am, blogging. it's not like i'm not worried or stressed. of course i am, especially when my teachers and family RELY on my maths marks to pull my L1R5 up. but i don't think it's going to happen tomorrow. nor wednesday for emaths. i've become so sick of maths and so lazy and complacent that i don't even want to look at it. yet i know that my trigo and geometry are fucking lousy. why is everyone else so smart? why can't i like, wake up and realize that i'm behind everyone else.....?
if fate decides to give me a C grade for maths,then let it be. i'm too tired to give a crap now lol this attitude really sucks but i can't help it. i just want to sleep >__>

Dreaming is believing

2011-10-10T16:39:00.002+08:00

"I stare at my reflection in the mirror; why am I doing this to myself? Losing my mind on a tiny error." - Jessie J (Who You Are)
should not have gone to school today haha. such a big waste of time and in the end didn't have pe. stomach hurting from 8 am until now and it's horrible. i don't know if it's cramps or what but whatever it is i really hope it'll go away soon.
why do people ask me if i'm pissed off? if i look pissed off at you then yes obviously it means i'm pissed off at you. stop bothering me because i hate you with all my heart and i honestly don't see what people see in a person like you. you totally ruined my day today and i don't regret at ALL telling you that you're "fucking noisy". because you deserved it.
and you. by the way, you shouldn't even call yourself my friend. and you shouldn't be the one hating me because YOU'RE the one who dumped me for all those shit people you're hanging out with now. i'm not being mean to you. i'm treating you the exact same way you've treated me and i'd like to see how much you suffer, just like i did.
how i wish i could go to school happy for once. how i wish i didn't have to step inside a class and immediately feel angry because of some people. it would be nice if things could be like they were during february or march. or just before the mid year exams. what a big fat miserable day today was. i really hope the coming days will be a bit better. byebye :)

Hello

2011-10-09T22:08:00.003+08:00

i wrote a very long post just now, but i deleted it haha. it's bad to publicize your real feelings especially when people read your blog :/

Goodbye valentine

2011-10-09T20:06:00.002+08:00

today was the most laziest day everrrrrrr. went to tuition and it was totally unproductive and my teacher was having moodswings. came home and i slept and then i woke up thinking i was late for school and that it was already monday -____-
and i just spent like 2 hours watching tv OMG -____-
pig is me. byebye. go and study maths!!!!!!

Beautiful target

2011-10-08T19:38:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder so so very much why i even bother to put up with people's shit. i try to say it nicely and i don't know how many times i have to repeat myself yet some people don't even get it. instead they decide to release their anger on me. forget it. forget it. FORGET IT. i definitely will not miss you when we graduate next year. I HATE YOU. do you get me now? i've hated you since this school year has begun and i STILL HATE YOU. don't you dare think of throwing your anger at me from now on because i have my own defenses and comebacks and you may not know me well enough to know this but i can say more worse and terrible things than you, so you step on that line and you'll get it from me. UGH. MY ENTIRE DAY has started off so badly because of you. wait. let me try and calm down.
okay i'm calm now. i went studying with dionnis from 12 to 5~ we were like stuck on this question for 45 mins omg HAHAHAHA tried countless of methods :( maths is tiring brain work :( okay bye.

Hope is a dream

2011-10-08T00:03:00.002+08:00

omg blogging is like my addiction.... but i guess it's a good kinda addiction because i can let out everything at a sort of inanimate object. ahahah. going to study with dionnis tomorrow, hope it'll be productive :)
i really hate myself :( i have a hundred reasons i really honestly can list out now but it's too personal to tell anyone. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. why am i so. LIKE THAT? huh? it sucks it freaking sucks it sucks to the point where it's really sad :( okay enough of that, i think i'll go to sleep now. goodnight people.
it's really important to remind your close ones that you love them!!! so........ I LOVE ALL OF YOU :) on different levels ;)
HAHAHAAHAHA
OKAY.
BYE. for now.

My heart grew

2011-10-07T19:23:00.002+08:00

Splitting headache now :( i guess the only lesson i loved today was pe omg it was extremely fun. but the most tiring game i've ever had this year. IT'S LIKE PLAYING FOOTBALL cause you have to run around the entire length of the field like a lunatic to catch the stupid frisbee :( but it's fun fun fun!!! :)
sec 4 farewell was..... not as sad as i thought it would be HAHA i thought it would be super sad and emotional but it was kind of.... fun..ny? hm not really sure how to describe it. but it felt so weird cause like everyone went to like hug their seniors and i didn't cause i'm not close to any of them -__- apart from wanrong wanping and zann ^^
i'm very happy i got to know them through CCA even though it was only during funfair that we got closer <3 but they are really very nice people and i wish them all the best in O's ^_^
after school........... ping xin and i went to orchard. why did we go there? o__O idk HAHAHA and it was raining cats and dogs but kinda fun. OH we went to visit SOMEPLACE amazing ^_^ today was a good day all in all! :)

Felt so crystal

2011-10-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

I'm really curious to know who reads my blog hahaha it's like 10 visits per day and i didn't know so many people knew this blog anyway. oh man i still remember the days when i used to post photos to update on my life HAHAHA i have not touched my camera for so, extremely long. but once holidays start i will start treasuring it again :')
i was actually planning to sleep early today to make up for the lack of sleep this week but i ended up wasting my time away on the computer. but i wrote some cards for some seniors too~~~ only three though. i'm not close to any seniors except like, two. LOL it's kinda sad but..... what to do now~
i think sec 4 farewell party will not only be sad for sec 4s but for sec 3s cause some sec 3s are really close with their seniors... (unlike me). but the reason why i'll be sad is cause i feel sad for them to separate after having been through so many things for 4 years, and it'll kinda remind me of what will happen to us next year too, when it's our turn.
time is going by way too quickly isn't it? yesterday seems like sec 2 and taking our sec 2 end of year exams, when we were all getting so stressed because of streaming. it's already the end of sec 3.
sighhhhhhh the thought of the amount of stress and even more work we have to do next year scares me until i get stomachaches cause of worry. goodnight!!!

You're vulnerable

2011-10-06T16:38:00.003+08:00

Bio and lit over! not even going to describe how it was though.
That makes it a total of.... 7 papers down, 2 more left :) so today is dedicated to my long-awaited slacking and sleeping hahaha. Sec 4 farewell tomorrow~ going to meet wanrong and wanping and zann in the morning to give them something ^^
Did ya'll know there's fanta in peach flavour? I didn't know until today! :O so cool. hahaha.
well i guess i shall........ hmm wait what shall i do now? hmmmmmm.....
singers are getting prettier and prettier everyday ♡♡♡ suzy and IU my darlings :') ♡♡♡
Steve Jobs also passed away today. it's really sad and shocking :( why do all the good people go first? RIP ♡

In the twilight

2011-10-05T21:33:00.002+08:00

hello time check it's 9 30 pm and i still have around 4 or 5 more chapters of bio to start and finish. i can forget about my literature marks pulling up my SS marks already because i've not laid a finger on my lit notes/book ^_^
once tomorrow finishes........ i'll be really grateful. going out tomorrow after lit paper to buy some presents for some seniors with dionnis <3
i wish my heart was made of steel too. then it'd be hard for me to get hurt so easily like this. i always overthink everything haha people disappoint me, i disappoint myself, people make me happy, i make myself happy, and the cycle repeats. it's so tedious sometimes i even wonder why humans must even exist and what for were they brought into this society. why do all the good people die early anyway?
ok that was some random shit that needed to be expressed. back to bio!!!!!!!!!

Use somebody

2011-10-05T13:29:00.002+08:00

i am a failure lol i must be a failure if people found the SS and geog paper quite easy and i found it hard. on the positive side, now that 5 papers are down, there's only 4 more!!
p.s. genevieve chan i dreamt of you just now HEH :P

2011-10-04T20:58:00.001+08:00

Hello I have yet to start on ss. if i could i would forget about everything and if i was brave enough i would say "fuck this, i'm going to sleep" but i can't and i won't but how very tiring it is even looking at the textbook now scares me what if i screw up ss like how i screwed up chem and geog why is everyone so smart why am i so dumb

Down below

2011-10-04T14:00:00.002+08:00

today......... was terrible. already know i'm going to fail or get a D for chem and geography. People said geog was easy but I already got 3 questions wrong and i left 1/4 of the chem paper blank. i slept for one hour yesterday to study for this but in the end nothing i studied even came out. forget it. i really must be dumb huh. no mood to study for bio and SS so i shall slack today off.

They're in disguise

2011-10-03T22:23:00.002+08:00

so relieved that english is over. i spent a total of 8 hours today doing geography and i just finished. actually no i still have map reading left to study. it's 10:30pm. i wasted my entire day doing geography and i bet nothing even went it because i just crammed and crammed all that imformation. i have yet to start on chem. i'm tired. who is the idiot who put chem and geog together? if i ever find that person i'll scream at him or her.
okay. today has been boring and restless. drank 8 cups of tea and a cup of coffee so hopefully it'll keep me up tonight. i really want to be happy again lol

EOY

2011-10-03T06:00:00.002+08:00

Exams officially start today. I don't really know what to say at this moment because I'm not ready at all... I can't give any positive encouragements to people because I MYSELF AM NOT EVEN PROGRESSING. Have yet to start on SS and lit lolol. The only thing I did yesterday was one chapter of bio. One. Chapter. Which took me three hours only. What was I doing the remaining like, 16 hours????????? I don't even know wtf lol. I'm really dreading tonight....... Going to RUSH home, literally, to RUSH geog and chem. Once tomorrow's papers are over I think I'll feel so relaxed. But it won't last for long because there's SS and bio and lit. ;_______;
It's times like these I wish I had something to work hard towards or look forward to, but I don't have anything really haha. Okayyyyyyy good luck everyone :)